How to Perfect Your Rhythm

My 2017 word is "rhythm." 

Rhythm is also circling seeds for the garden and reading about women

The last few months have been chaotic. I haven't been eating breakfast. I haven't been cooking or cleaning my house. I wake up in the middle of the night and drink leftover sweet tea because I'm thirsty, and then the sugar jumpstarts my heartbeat and I trip over my shoes and curse the universe.

I'm bad at routine, except for the parts that aren't healthy. I get angry when someone interrupts my sitting on the couch checking Instagram and half paying attention to Netflix time.  But you want to go out for a drink during the hour I'm supposed to go to meditation? I'm down. 

I don't know how to be in rhythm.

It is messing with my mind now. I'm angry for no reason and I have a hard time figuring out what are important tasks and what aren't.

There are so many notifications going off and the dog is asking me to fix his fence so he can play outside without the leash and I'm staring at unfinished books, both my own books and reading others. 

I have too many ideas and not enough focus.

Today, my rhythm is a cup of coffee. 

Here is my formula for rhythm:

1. Make Arabic Coffee and let the smell remind you of far away places.

2. Water your plants and clip a few leaves for tea.

3. Run your fingers over the ears of a sleeping dog beside you.

Later, when you take the dog out on the leash, let him linger over the scent in a weedy patch of grass, turn your face to the night sky and breathe.

Radio Silence

How do I begin? It's been  a long time and a lot has happened? 

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My daughter began kindergarten and oh my heart. I understand that there are things she has to learn, particularly how to play the game, but it gives me no pleasure to hear her say that her picture is wrong because she didn't follow directions. 

Let me back up. Her teacher is wonderful. She is thoughtful and kind and consistent, everything my 5 year old needs in her life at this time.

I saw a picture in her backpack of her drawing on an easel. She loves art, and I've begun the process of "strewing" art supplies, basically casually placing materials all over the house to encourage her to stop what she's doing and create art.

And I loved this picture. It was exactly her.

When I told her that I loved it, she pushed it away and said it was wrong and bad because she didn't do the rule.

The directions were for her to draw herself completing a classroom rule, particularly "cleaning up fully after ourselves."

I was angry. Directionless anger. Anger at the world and the way it works. Her teacher is doing everything she can to help my daughter understand how to be thoughtful about systems and rules, mindful of how the world works. She is preparing her to succeed.

My job is to nurture that spark inside her that says "Yes. I am Me and no one else."

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It was storming a few days ago, and in my dark living room, I began to make the rounds with the plants, watering, tinkering, adding soil.

I haven't been mindful of the plant life inside or out, and I've lost some things from careless lack of water, from overgrown weeds, from bugs. 

Anthurium, Peace Lily, Katherine Queen Fern, Orchid, Bromeliad and Dora

I lost a small spruce that desperately needed more water than I was giving.

I lost a rosemary that made it through the snow of the winter only to be over taken by some kind of mite.

I lost a rose that was making a comeback and I forgot to move out of the harsh afternoon sun.

I haven't been talking to them or noticing their small signals. They trusted me and I was careless. I know this doesn't mean a lot to most people; just throw the plant away and buy a new one, but I feel like a failure.

Regroup. 

Reconnect.

Tell them stories and find tiny new leaves pushing out of the soil.

---

October is a time to remember. It is my favorite month here in Nashville, and the girls and I spent the morning yesterday hiking "the mountain," a trail pretty demanding for such tiny feet. We saw deer and turkey and a kind woman looking for someone to share the morning.

My oldest makes friends wherever she goes and I wonder when I lost that ability. But I relearn how to listen when I watch her and we grow together.

I remember those who burned so that we could speak our truths.

---

One of the last days the hummingbirds were here, she and I sat very still and waited for one to fly down from the trees. I could hear her tiny voice high in a branch and when she finally flew down I was reminded of the power of stillness.

My daughter learned it that day, too. Stillness and silence give way to miracles floating in the sun above us. 

Let us be reborn in this stillness.

Everyday.

New Years Goals versus New Years Resolutions

I am sitting in the dark with my four year old writing this post.

She came to me crying because she has developed a sudden fear of the dark. So we talk about what's in the dark, and how it's normal to feel afraid of what you can't see. Someday, fear of the dark may serve her safety. We talk about how sometimes mommy is scared, too.

But we also talk for a while about things that are beautiful. She is fascinated by spiders right now, and we talk about all the times we've found good spiders in the house, releasing them outside to build their webs. She tells me what they looked like just in case I forgot. 

I'm never sure if I'm doing the right thing when I parent. 

One of the things I do just before New Years now is separate my goals from my resolutions. Resolutions are little things I'd like to change: wear a pretty dress once a week is my current one.

Goals are dreams. They are visions for the future that I'm trying to bring into the current moment.  One of them is this blog. Another is to visit Iceland and complete the Icelandic crash course with the University of Iceland.

Goals remind me that I am a person who can accomplish amazing things. They remind me that in spite of all the crap, life can be fulfilling.

This is important for my children because I want them to understand that the world is open to them, and so I must live that truth for myself.  They are mirrors of my own behavior and I want that mirror to be limitless.

Three things to keep in mind when making your goals for this year:

1. Joy

   Really, joy is pretty much the reason we live. When you find your joy, you can find a lot of meaning in this weird existence we have. So write things down, brainstorm, create a vision board, whatever you need to do to get started, and you'll find yourself dreaming bigger than you ever have.

2. Focus

   Sometimes after we do the work of discovering our joy, we are overwhelmed by what we find. I like to cluster goals together so that as I'm working on one goal, it's helping me move towards another. 

3. Grace

    We catch a lot of flack for not living in the moment or seizing every minute of the day, but let's be honest here. It's really hard to live authentically every second. So if you don't accomplish all your goals this year, or even any of them at all, give yourself space to be thankful for what you do have and your ability to move on.

So what are your goals this year?